—
Beat. Break. Beat. Break.
—
Is there a monitor of these movements
that shift beneath the skin? A rummaging
within the ribs. I hear a broken bird
beating against the bars of its cage,
broken.
–
All organs and organisms need oxygen and optimism.
—
Panic. Breathe. Panic. Breathe.
—
I shift within skin whose movements
I cannot monitor. I have mounded
matters into metal I cannot master. Alchemist
is not altruist. I can be an organ
of oxygen
–
but cannot count on optimism.
–
Breathe and so fill my lungs, air entering,
blood flowing through arteries, the rising
and falling, the beating and beating
and for every beat; a break, for each breath of air;
a drowning.
–
A bird was not born to fly under water.
—
Beat. Break. Beat. Break.
—
Medical is not the same as mental but mental
is now being measured out by medicinal.
—
Run. Rest. Run. Rest.
—
Running from the nest, the rest, the rest of me,
the mess that has been left in place
of all the rest that has left.
–
What has been left?
–
I stop in the park and watch the rest, watch a bird
break from perch, bold and brave, unfold
against the force, feathers in flight, feathers in fight,
winded in the chest. Pushed back. Pushing forward.
Pushed back.
—
Beat. Back. Beat. Back.
—
I cannot handle heights, I have felt too much
the fall, my feathers are for fancy now.
I am done with flying. I am digging, deep
within the ground, deep within the body.
–
I will pull out every root
till I pluck the panic
and catch a breath again that I can breathe.
—
Pull. Panic. Pull. Harder.
—
All words and photographs by Damien B. Donnelly
Damien B. Donnelly 
Just like panic, wild, uncontrollable, full of static.
And the relief of the ordinary breath. (K)
Well I feel like I am going back and forwards, 4 osteopaths, cracking, realigning, relaxing, tensing, two kines, a guru who told me I was ‘next to my body rather than within it’ and to give up dairy. Heart check ups, tests, lung scans and all normal and healthy. Pills to calm me down, running to remind me I am fine and healthy and these are panic attacks, my mind adjusting to the events of this year, everything that broke and needs time to find its beat again, but when the breath comes easy it is indeed a relief.
The tension just reinforces itself…it’s not so easy to breathe slow and deep under those circumstances.
We are all in need of calmer seas.
I hope those seas find us soon to soothe
How wonderful! The rhythm reminds me of the cycling poem you did a while back..
Thank you Liz. I think the biggest part of writing for me is cathartic; a release, finding an order within the internal mess, a way to manage the madness. Slow steps and lots of weeding at the moment. Pain is so often not visual so its hard to find where to apply the soothing lotion. xx
Another thought prompted from the next post I visited after reading your poem. “The mess that has been left in place”. Shedding the skin, embracing new form. See: https://nzearthnerd.wordpress.com/2019/01/25/cicada-shell/
Amazing! If only we could slip from one skin to another. I watched Altered Carbon on Netflix, they have new sleeves, which means new bodies to move into. I like that idea. it seems much less complicated than identifying little problems within the old body.
Dami! this, to me, captures so well your stopping, and starting, and back-tracking as you capture all the tschumi’s
Thanks Nigel, there is certainly a lot of stopping and starting at the moment, unfortunately not just in the park but the park does add much needed distraction. Sometimes a simple morning run is not just to get somewhere but to get away from anywhere.
I’ve read through all these comments and your last line to Nigel leads me to suggest you take a look at the first chapter of Jake’s new book. We’re all very different individuals but there are aspects of Jake’s background that have similarities to us (complex!). If you decide to have a look, here’s the url to the page where you can download the free chapter (8 or 9 Mb) – its about halfway down the page under “Read Chapter One”. Link: https://www.abingdonpress.com/ResurrectionShapedLife
Thank you Liz, I am just noticing your reply now, sorry I missed this earlier, I will indeed go and have a read, Thank you my dear