We found each other,
For a while
As we searched separately
For a new life
Amid the ashes of a life already lived
With bruised edges,
Fractured hearts
And losses to great to forget.
We stopped for each other,
All but briefly
And, in delighted ignorance,
Planned out a future
As inseparable
As water from land
And sky from sea
But proved to be less
Penetrable
Than we knew.
We shadowed each other,
At the start,
Sailing in separate shifts
On Chevelaret’s Street
In district 13
With Celtic music,
And pints of the black stuff
While a riotous racket of Turkish overtones
And Irish stupidity,
Parading as management,
Carved comedy into
Every inch of our jobs.
You were night and I the day
As we passed each other without
Sensing a connection
And yet I was already aware-
Intrigued by the mysterious air
You’d arrived on.
I had sat in the corner of the bar
And watched you being interviewed.
You polished off a glass of Guinness
On that unaccustomedly sun-lit day
In spring
Like it was the first drink ever
On a Friday evening
With not an ounce of fear or uncertainty
As Niall questioned you
With roaming eyes
That longed for more salacious information
Than you were willing to provide.
Your age was not to be a factor
Nor your flight from home
That had somehow lead you here,
To this place,
That must have rung out-
With first impression-
Like it was the end of the earth
Or the final stop for last chances.
You had shadowed the steps
I had made months earlier.
Were you as shocked as I
When you climbed down the metro’s stairs
And saw that lifeless street stretching out before you
With the Guinness sign in the distance
Like a beacon to call you home?
A dishevelled man-
Washed over in alcohol
And lost out in life
And two dead rats along the side walk
Had been my greeting
To this quarter
Lurking anonymously
Behind the chaos of Chinatown
And it sank into me-
As the train raced away,
That this was the one place were they would say
Yes
And my empty wallet would be
The one thing about me that
Could not say
No.
But somehow we made it home
And as the sun grew stronger
We looked at each other more closely
And made connections-
Blind to what lay beyond the glare
Of those rays that hypnotised us.
So how did it happen
In that summer-
That glorious summer where we had
Promised each other to make it be the one
That shone the brightest in our memories-
That we ended up
Losing each other?
I sat on someone’s porch steps
Covering them in bitter tears
While two blonde boys watched on
And waited for explanations that I could not know,
For I was still unable then to see
How much we had failed each other.
Had we been no more
And no less
Than oil and water
All that time-
Fooled somehow into thinking us a more
Compatible blend?
But I had seen you and fell for you-
For all that you were
And tried to be
And all that you covered up-
Wounds naked only to me
And wounds that you could not cure
And so I lifted you
And carried you
And feared for you,
And wondered how to get in
And worried how to get away-
I knew the danger signs that lit up
In your eyes
And when to speak
And when to say nothing
But- at the same time-
You carried me
And cared for me
And cured me too.
I was the adopted boy who became
Your adopted brother.
Once, I had been given up
Where you had given up.
I was the follow on that you needed to see
And you- the listener
I needed to confide in,
To say I forgive,
I’m ok,
I have survived.
To your face
I said thank you to a mother never seen
And in my eyes
You cried for all that you had lost
And could never have the chance to be.
Maybe the mix was too explosive
And we shared too much from opposite sides
Of an unused coin
In that bond
We made
And loved
And let break-
Brother and Sister
And sometimes
Mother and Son.
We began to heal together-
Broken hearts that we thought we’d left
Back home,
Memories that came flooding back
Like children we’d forgotten
And left behind-
A part of ourselves that we’d ignored-
Hoping the past would let it slide to
Forgetfulness
But we found that not to be true
And in each other we found-
For all but a precious moment-
A way of letting go
And moving on.
How little,
In that middle of it all,
Did we know how soon we’d let go of each other.
For, in truth,
It was never enough
And nothing could cure the washed over lines
That lay buried in the memory.
I could not become the lost child
And you were not the shadowed mother for me.
Maybe that was our downfall-
We hoped for too much from each other
And found not even a whole summer
On that street with its temples,
Viewless windows,
Benoits who cried in our laps,
Cards games you thought me
And Lovers who came our way
To divert us more from what lay
Too deep to remove.
Brother and Sister-
Sipping coffees and cokes
And teaching each other French-
We taught each other a lot
But never managed
To teach each other
To hold on.
Where are you now and do you ever
Wander in your mind
Back down that street
And into that bar
Were we talked
And laughed
And cried the night away
Until the morning found us
And we set off home
Together
And lay together
In one room,
In separate single beds
And spoke till one of us fell asleep.
I see you sometimes,
In my minds eye
With fag in hand, as always,
And eyes lit up as we danced through that bar
Which became our bar
On a Saturday night
As we simply entertained the audience
Perhaps just as simply
As we entertained each other.
In my mind we will always be dancing
Like that
Before closing the bar
And finding comfort in a cigarette,
A drink
And each other-
Brother and sister
For almost a summer,
Dancing in the ignorance
Of what autumn
Would have in store for us.
