UNPACKED

 

I have emptied
All the boxes,
A lifetime
Of belongings,
A collection
Of customs,
Compromises,
Compulsions,
Convictions
Combined together
To become a whole,
A who,
A human,

I have emptied
All the boxes,
Found other shelves
To place the memories,
Other drawers
To store the scenes,
Other cupboards
To carry the clutter,
Other colours
To paint the walls
With shades
Of what is yet
To come.

I have emptied
All the boxes,
I am moved,
I have moved,
I will move again
When the moment
Meanders
Into the next
And the next
And the next

But for now
I am here,
I have emptied
All the boxes,
All of my belongings
And belong…

 

All Words and Photos by Damien B. Donnelly

CANE DAYS

 

Fuck forty approaching,
And fuck metal mats,
Fuck fractured feet
Turning black like rats,

Fuck wandering round
With a walking stick
Exposing the frailties
Of this silly old dick,

I’ll forget the bruises
And broken bones,
Bollocks to bandages
And swollen toes,

I’ll not sit back
And fizzle away,
So watch out world
I’m on my way,

I’ll be the madman limping
And falling down
Cursing his clumsiness
Like a circus clown,

It would’ve been clever
To sit and stop working,
Ignore the garden
And the leaves collecting,

But no, he says,
It’ll be done in a jiffy
Till the mat fell down
And I fucked like a hussy,

I wanted to show them
I’d tidied the place,
I wanted to swim
In their gratitude and grace,

Well, next time I’ll know
To just let the leaves blow
Maybe better a mess
Than a broken toe!

Well it serves me right
For wanted to be noticed
Cause they’ll see me now
All battered and hopeless,

But I’m slowly getting fond
Of this walking cane,
So perhaps I’ll grow
A bearded grey mane,

And sway through the streets
In the wind and the rain
Saying fuck, instead,
To the prodding, prickling pain!

So bring on Forty,
Bring on your force,
I’m saddled and ready
I’m a stubborn, striding horse!

 

CHEZ MOI

 

I release you
From the obsession,
From the overly long
Ogles of observation,
Trepidation
And a grass,
Seemingly green,
Long since remembered.

You are no longer
That deep desire
In the distant darkness,
Distracting me,
Daring me
To deploy,
To defect,
To retour.

That significant
Substance
Shimmering
In the shadows,
Swaying slowly,
Seducing me,
Enticing me.

I release you
From the waking dream
And the nocturnal rêver,
The phantom waiting
For the return
And the temptation
Teasing me
With time.
The illusions
That eluded me
In waking light,
The visions
Deceiving me
In the shade of night.

You are no longer
The haunting hunger,
The taste of what once was,
What still could be,
That insatiable need
Never fully quenched,
Never truly tested.

You are now no longer obsession,
You are now just a place called home.

 

I’ll Be Back

 

Excuses for my absence but I’m excited and distracted by painting, decorating, trying to remember my French and unpacking boxes to make a new home in Paris- back again after 18 years of much longing and the distractions of London and Amsterdam in between, but the pen once again found paper today, while I ignored the temporary loss of electricity and the contents of the new fridge melting within, on a sun filled terrace in the 14th, former home to Hemmingway, Fitzgerald, Stien, so I’m hoping for a little ghostly magic to rub its way into my little lines of literature. It’s now evening and still 29 degrees which perhaps means the candles I have lighting to distract from the smell of paint and turps are only causing a rise in temperature and means that nothing will dry as quickly as one hopes but I think it was Maupin’s legendary Anna Madrigal who once said that even shit looks good in candle light so I’m sticking with her philosophy. Until next time, a bientôt- I’ll be back…

Winning Days

A move from Amsterdam to Paris, 3 days of unpacking, painting, decorating, a trip home to family for nearly 3 weeks and then the news that I am a winner in the http://www.originalwriting.ie Short Story competition and will be part of their autumn anthology of short stories book!Feeling grateful to the Universe and all its magic and wonder.

The August short story competition is still open for submissions- check out their website from the web address above.


A rainbow on Bettystown beach, County Dublin, Ireland

LIFE BEGINS AT…

 

A new start,
A new life
Amid the shadows
Of one already
Lived,
Years ago,
A lifetime before,
Before me,
Before I,
Before this person I’ve become
While time has shifted
And birthdays were counted
And all the while
The past
Lingered,
Called,
Reminded me
Of all I once left,
So easily,
So casually,
In a taxi
That tore me away
Without thought,
Without worry
For all that would follow on…

A new life,
A new start
In another age
Seen through older, wiser,
Sometimes more silly, eyes,
I’ve tasted other worlds,
Other places,
Other lovers,
But this circle game of life
Has carouseled me back
To before
While moved on,
Revolving
While changing
Who I am,
Who I was
And taking me closer
To all that still can be…

A new start,
A new life
And new breath
And release…

FROM THE SILENCE

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There is silence
As if all the world is hiding
As if every soul is sleeping
As if every breath is breaking
As if every person’s perishing
In the silence

There is silence
As my eyes they drown in tears
For the loss of days and years
For the thoughts that became fears
While the energy disappears
Before the silence

There is silence
And all I know is dissolving
And all I had is disappearing
As if every fear is unfolding
And every tear is falling
Within the silence

There is silence
As if all my thoughts are tiring
And all my dreams are drowning
As if all my hopes are hiding
And all my buttons are breaking
And still the silence

There is silence
In the distance I’ve put between us
And in the things we can’t discuss
In the floods that try to drown us
In the frailty, in the fear and the fuss
Behind the silence

There is silence
In a city that’s turned against me
With it’s tone, stone cold and angry
A city that had failed to hold me
While another is waiting-
Hoping to set me free
From the silence

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THE ROAD

 

I,
In the face of all
That came before me,
I,
In the hope of all
To be put before me,
I,
Accepting of the many times
I’ve fallen,
I,
Rejoicing in the many times
I’ve risen
See,
The future as an empty canvas
Stretched before me,
See,
Now the wisdom in all the words
Once bestowed me,
See,
The rhyme and reason to the roads
That lead me here,
See,
The distant faces from my past
I still hold dear.

I,
The inquisitor along the winding road
I’ve taken,
I,
A single soul so often foolish
And mistaken,
I,
The poet penning prose
Beneath the silence,
I,
While wearing masks to be let in,
To shun the violence
Remember,
Each and every laughter
Life has brought me,
Remember,
To raise my head to whatever power
Reins above me,
Remember,
The lengths of love
Which others shared,
Remember,
To see the hope,
To keep the faith
And not be scared.

 

IN THE HEART

 

I can pack a million boxes
I can walk a million roads
Cross a million seas
But I cannot pack you
In a box,
Love is not for the keeping,
Love winds its way
Along roads unknown,
Untraveled, unexpected,
Love seeps like the sea
From every box
I place it in,
No storage can seal it
No road can hold it
No sea can bind it
To its bounty
As it swims from me
Like the current
Against the tides
Of want and need.

I can pack a million boxes
I can walk a million roads
Cross a million seas
But I cannot pack love
Like I cannot pack hope,

But I can hold them
Both
In my heart

 

SCENE IN EUROPE, SCENE 10, PORTUGAL, PEACE AND…

 

Scene in Europe, Scene 10, Portugal, Peace and…

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Henry spent the first two days of the Portugal leg of his trip in Lisbon, amid a wave of modern architecture in stark contrast with its older, neighbouring terracotta rooftops of charm and a sea of towering cranes best seen from the sleek cable-stayed Vasco da Gama Bridge while he satisfied his appetite with an array of fish dishes and an impressive selection of wines from the region but, after two days of hectic life in another city, he craved something a little more remote, so he hired a car and took to the hills and valleys and happily lost himself along country roads twirling through the landscape of forest covered mountains, tiny, almost deserted towns and sprawling vineyards that crept their way over the scenery as he coasted past it all.

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He stopped, finally, at the Pousada Convento Vila Pouca da Beira, a place that had quite literally been chosen for him when he fell upon it during a spectacular rainstorm; a white beacon of hope in the early evening’s sudden downpour, with it’s huge cross and flickering lanterns on either side of its front door, a vision of sanctuary that came out of nowhere as his wipers frantically swept across the windscreen of the car just as he’d started to worry that finding a decent place to stay, in the middle of nowhere, in this erratic weather, might prove positively impossible.

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As he slowed the car down and turned into the cobbled courtyard, the building and its adjoining church loomed over him in the darkness, looking haunted, naturally, but somehow cosy too, austere, yet comforting at the same time.

It turned out to be one of a chain of hotels all established in former convents or historical buildings throughout the country, hence its name. But it’s timing and arrival along Henry’s route was nothing less than a miracle. The large entrance door had just clanged shut behind him when the heavens finally crashed with thunder and, as he was lead to his room, past an inner courtyard and up a huge marble staircase with enormous tapestries and a thousand shadows that loomed ominously, the lightening clashed with the blackness of the night sky and echoed through the hallows of the building itself, giving an eerie uncertainty to the shapes, columns, corners and stone eyed angels that decorated the walls, lingering in shadows, waiting for the next bolt of lighting to announce their spooky presence.

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The room itself was basic but spacious and, when morning woke him, he opened the doors, stepped onto his balcony and took in the breathtaking view that spread itself out before him. The rain had washed away the shadows and the landscape now sparkled in a million shades of vibrant, life affirming greens as a scent swept through the air of the bounty of nature’s freshness, crispness and energy while below him, fresh coffee was brewing which enticed him back through the same corridors, inner courtyard and down the same glorious staircase which had been home only to ghosts and shadows the night before, but which was now bathed in its own glow of morning light as antique treasures glistened in their own grandeur before he took a seat on the empty terrance overlooking the lushness and life of the whole valley.

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It was silent, he was silent, the whole world was silent as he sat himself down. It was exactly what he had needed after almost a month of being constantly on-the-go; looking, searching, rushing, seducing, being seduced, being let down. A time of huge highs and a few comical lows. A time to become a man, he though as he figuratively tapped himself on the back. He had secretly feared the trip to Europe, all by himself. He hadn’t even travelled in the States without the boozed-up comfort of his often out-of-it mother, the occasionally present father or just on the road with his own friends, at the very least. But this trip had been his test, his personal journey, his own awakening. And boy, oh boy, was he beginning to feel awake.

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He sipped his coffee, looking down over the vineyard that grew out from the end of the gardens by swimming pool of the former convent before it disappeared into the forest below it, just as the land rose up to greet the sky, sighing in the welcome return of the sun after a night of unimaginable rain which seemed like a dream now on front of this view; this mirage of tranquil wilderness. The car had been pounded so heavily with rain that he’d feared for his own safely along the tiny, mud soaked road the night before, so when he’d seen the light, literally, at the end of the road, he’d stopped the car and knocked on the door without a single care as to who or what answered. He’d already seen the ghosts of Europe, bold and brazen and tempting him on streets in broad daylight. What was wrong with another one or two to add to his list?

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But surprisingly, in a place that looked more welcoming to the afterlife, even with its own gated old chapel in the basement, a crucifix on every available wall, and saints, carefully carved in stone, perched in every nook and cranny, the only souls that lingered about were living, breathing ones; smiling, nodding and giving off not a single scent of the scary.

The only Portuguese visions he saw came from nature itself as he wandered down the hills, amid the vines, and over fences to open pastures with grazing sheep and sleeping cows. The only smells he noticed sprang up from either the dew in the morning or out of every oven; simple roadside restaurants with the best roast chicken he’d ever tasted, deliciously fragrant cheeses from goats and sheep that came in clumps and spread itself over bread like butter or the traditional mini custard tarts, pasteis de nata, which was the one thing that haunted him as their delicate taste lingered on the tongue long after he’d finished them.

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It was life and it was his for the tasting, his for the taking, his for the smelling, he said to himself as he swaggered nakedly over to his bed as the open window let a gentle, warm breeze blow in past the curtains and he turned off the light and slipped his youthful, unlined body beneath the folds of the perfectly crisp hotel sheets. He closed his eyes and let his head nestle into the soft pillow, sensing sleep lean in to take him just as a hand reached over behind him, beneath the constriction of the blankets, and ran its icy cold, fine, foreign fingers up along his spine while his entire body froze in fear and the window slammed shut as the scent of death crept along his flared and frightened nostrils…

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All Words and Photographs by Damien B. Donnelly